Dr Natalie Isaia, Clinical Psychologist & Founder of Empresa Psychology

How to transform performance management and appraisal conversations by moving managers from ‘nice’ to ‘effective’ 

Dr Natalie Isaia, Clinical Psychologist & Founder of Empresa Psychology

Have you ever typed anything like this into a search engine?

“Why do managers avoid difficult performance conversations and how do you change their behaviour?”

“How to train managers to give candid performance feedback without damaging employee engagement”

“Practical framework for managers having difficult performance conversations”

“How to get managers to give feedback throughout the year instead of annual appraisal”

If you work in HR in a professional services firm, you have probably had numerous conversations with managers who want to escalate a performance issue or terminate a contract after probation, only to find that there isn’t enough structured evidence to do so. The resulting back-and-forth conversations are time consuming and draining. 

The manager feels frustrated with you because they want you to take responsibility for resolving the issue, while you believe the issue needn’t have been escalated if it had been effectively handled earlier in the process.

This isn’t an issue with the organisation’s performance management or appraisal process. It isn’t HR’s fault. It is also not really the managers fault – most managers are promoted because they are really good at their job, not because they have the skillset to navigate challenging conversations effectively. 

Book in a chat today if this sounds familiar!

Why do managers struggle with giving direct feedback?

Most managers genuinely want to do a good job. They care about their teams, they don’t want to upset people, and they want to be fair and approachable. Most are highly accomplished in their careers which is why they have received promotions, but now find that managing people is an entirely different skillset.

Nobody has ever taught them how to tell a colleague that their work isn’t good enough. Nobody has shown them how to challenge poor conduct without escalating the situation. Nobody has taught them what to do when an employee becomes upset by feedback. Nobody has helped them understand why they become defensive when someone challenges their judgement.

So, they improvise and their personality fills the gap. 

Which management styles lead to which issues?

1. The nice manager

This is probably one of the most common. They are warm, supportive and well-liked. They don’t enjoy confrontation. They think nice equals kind. 

On the plus side, the wellbeing of the team will likely be high, their feedback ratings will be excellent, and team members really enjoy their one-to-ones, which sound like this:

💬 “Things seem like they’re mostly on track” (Translation: You’re meeting some minimum requirements but there are areas where your performance is not meeting the required standard).

💬 “There are a few things we could tighten up” (Translation: The quality of your work isn’t where it needs to be).

💬 “Let’s see how things go over the next few months” (Translation: If this doesn’t improve, we will need to consider whether you’re meeting the requirements of the role)

The manager leaves the conversation feeling that they’ve dealt with the performance issue, the employee leaves thinking they’re doing reasonably well, and then three months later everyone is surprised. The employee is surprised that they’re being put on a performance plan. The manager is frustrated that they “didn’t take the feedback on board”. HR is trying to establish whether adequate feedback was ever actually given.

This isn’t kindness; it’s ambiguity.

1. The conflict avoidant manager

Most people don’t enjoy having to challenge a colleague. But when a team member is behaving in a way that is negatively impacting those around them, or even client delivery, this needs to be addressed quickly.

The conversation sounds like this:

💬 Step 1 – no conversation (the manager decides to wait to see if it continues or if it blows over).

💬 Step 2 – “I just wanted to check in to see if everything is OK… How do you think it impacts your colleagues when you respond to emails like that?… You don’t see any issue with your communication style… OK, well perhaps you can be a bit more mindful when drafting email responses in future?”

The manager feels like they’ve done something to address the issue, but other team members are silently noticing that standards aren’t upheld consistently. This is where a performance management issue becomes a culture issue. The team starts to think: “why should I behave professionally, or work to these standards, if they’re getting away with that?”. 

The result is quiet disengagement and reduced discretionary effort, along with reduced respect for and trust in the manager. 

1. The defensive manager

This manager might say “I have an open-door policy. My team can tell me anything.” But when someone does come to give feedback, the manager feels personally accused and immediately explains why the team member is wrong. A natural human response, yes, but one that very quickly shuts down a culture of learning and open feedback. 

Their responses might sound like this:

💬 “That’s not what happened, you’ve misunderstood the situation.”

💬 “I don’t think that’s a fair assessment.”

💬 “Well, if you knew what pressure I’m under…”

💬  “Mmmhmm” (accompanied by a sigh and pursed lips).

If people don’t feel able to speak up when they see a potential issue, or when a mistake has been made, then you’ve lost your early warning system. This can be hugely costly when mistakes are hidden until they become an urgent issue, or issues that could have been headed off early play out until they cause serious reputational damage.

1. The manager who is your mate

This one is quite similar to manager #1; they’re really nice and everyone likes them. But this manager wants to be one of the gang. They want the gossip from the weekend. They struggle to understand the boundary between professional and overly friendly. 

Without appropriate boundaries being modelled from above, this leads to distinct cultural issues. Some people get more leeway than others, information gets shared informally, certain relationships become disproportionately important, and cliques form.

At that point, you don’t have an inclusive culture; you have a social hierarchy.

This manager doesn’t need to stop being warm or personable. They need to learn how to build trust without favouritism, how to be approachable without becoming over-familiar, and how to maintain boundaries without becoming distant.

1. The critical manager

This manager might have a high performing team and hold very high standards, but they might also have a pattern of grievances and a high attrition rate. The team are burned out, wellbeing is low. Team members dread their one-to-ones, which sound like this:

💬 “Why haven’t you met this target this month? You’re getting paid to do a job, we expect results.”

💬 “You shouldn’t be bringing me this problem; I’d expect someone with your experience to be able to resolve this yourself.”

💬 “Anything else you want to discuss? … No, OK great.” 

The big commercial risk with this team isn’t just that they’re going off sick and leaving, it’s their silence. They’re not speaking up in meetings. They’re not admitting mistakes. They’re not asking questions or asking for help when there is a problem.

A problem that everyone is frightened to mention can become a client issue, a missed deadline, a serious error or an employee relations problem.

If you recognise any of these leadership styles in your management team book a call today to find out how I can help.

What do these five management styles have in common?

On the surface, not much. They’re totally different approaches causing different issues.

Surely these different managers require different interventions? Maybe it’s just a personality thing and there isn’t much we can do about it?

Wrong.

All of these managers lack the same skillset, it’s just showing up in different ways. When a conversation becomes challenging, they haven’t been taught how to: 

• stay emotionally regulated so that their threat system doesn’t take over; 
• stay curious when emotions are heightened;
• give clear feedback without becoming critical; or 
• hold boundaries effectively. 

These are skills that can be trained. When they’re not trained, they become an HR issue and a culture issue. 

The answer is not to create one ideal “leadership style”. Your managers are all different and they all bring different strengths to the table. The kind manager doesn’t need to become hard. The tough manager doesn’t need to become soft. The popular manager doesn’t need to become distant.

What they need is a common set of skills for handling the moments when leadership gets uncomfortable. Speak to me today to discuss getting these skills into your business.

What is the skillset all managers all need? 

Psychological safety is in danger of becoming a buzzword that some people are already getting bored of. I think that is because it is so often misunderstood. It seems like a fuzzy, intangible thing. It sounds “nice”. 

It isn’t. It is the result of successfully implementing a skillset that helps resolve all five issues illustrated above. It can be trained and implemented in practical ways. It’s definitely not just being nice!

A psychologically safe manager isn’t one who protects people from difficult information and fails to hold them accountable for the sake of not hurting anyone’s feelings. They’re also not the one who strives for unrelentingly high standards at the cost of the humanity of the team.

Amy Edmondson’s work is very clear that psychological safety is actively cultivated through leadership behaviour. Your middle managers in particular are making or breaking psychological safety every day through hundreds of small interactions.  

The necessary skillset goes hand-in-hand with emotional intelligence, assertiveness and effective communication. When you train your leaders in this skillset, they can:

• deliver actionable feedback in a way that feels supportive and empowering, so that underperformance is addressed before it needs to be escalated; 
• deal with poor conduct before it damages the team, so that everyone is held accountable; 
• retain high performers by creating a fairer environment, so that engagement stays high;
• surface mistakes while they are still fixable, so that reputation is protected;
• encourage challenge and ideas, so that innovation can flourish; 
• AND they can do all this while supporting their own resilience and the resilience of their team.

What does your organisation need to do next?

If your managers are technically excellent but struggle with difficult conversations, underperformance, accountability, conflict or feedback, I’d be happy to talk.

Empresa Psychology delivers practical, skills-based training designed to help managers handle exactly these situations. Content is rooted in evidence-based psychology and neuroscience, and workshops include plenty of opportunity to practise new skills and plan how to embed them into specific roles.

If you’d like to explore what this could look like for your managers, book a free consultation call today.